Wednesday, February 17, 2010

starting over

so this is still weird this whole blog thing, but i think it may be good for me. look at me now, i am 23 turning 24 in july (yay cancer/leos ha) and i find myself starting over in many areas in my life. i have had multiple feelings, but fear is definitely one of them.
i fell majorly in love at the age of 17 with a boy that i thought would be my one forever. he let me down once and i tried to move on. i couldn't because i ended up back with him. he let me down again and very recently so. back then i could never think that there would come a day that he would tell me that he was not sure if we were enough for him. well, that day came and i was in complete and utter shock.
i still am. i am still pretty new to this whole love thing, but i am pretty sure that when someone is capable of looping you into circles of sadness that it is probably time to let go. and so i am.
there are many times where i think he is my one and is the only one i can feel this way about, which may be true. but there are also times (more dominant now) where i see that sometimes love isn't enough. i love this boy e so much it hurts and it makes me happy at the same time to know he exists. i would do anything for him. but i love myself and know that whatever he is going through right now will only bring harm to me and my heart. i really don't think that i could be around to see if he ever has anymore prospects to his heart that are not me. although, i feel that my intuition says he is still the one, my logic tells me that i am not protecting myself. when you are in love with someone who is in constant limbo in life, you find yourself spiraling and questioning your life. i am doing that daily. i am learning. i am loving. i am caring. i am sad. i need to know what i want in my life. i am important. these are things that have been popping into my mind constantly. so i was once this young, vulnerable girl in love who was hoping for the fairytale. now it being 7 years through ups and downs with him, with losing family, and losing friends....i am still that vulnerable girl in love who is hoping for the fairytale and more. everything seems new, but also oddly familiar. i was once independent and dreaming up a romance and now i find myself starting over becoming more independent and still dreaming....i am picking up these pieces of me and giving them up to God and my destiny. im starting over and this time i am doing it right....to be continued...

Monday, February 8, 2010

this is my first blog

thanks to my cuh trish i am now embarking on a new journey in this digital world. i am really excited and a little bit scared to share myself, but oh well. welcome to my world. this is a new beginning. i can feel it...